Laugh Out Loud!

  From Jonathon Lyon (Thanks Jon!)


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?

    WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.

    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

    WITNESS: Getting laid

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

    WITNESS: None.

    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

    WITNESS: By death..

    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

    WITNESS: Take a guess.

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

    WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?

    WITNESS: Oral...

    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

    WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

    ______________________________________

    And last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

    WITNESS: No..

    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.